the very hungry caterpillar
i was once a master of life. until i was proved i wasn't.
i was doing so well, i kept my grades on A's, i went to classes everyday, woke up at 5am got home at 5pm because i go straight to the library after classes to study, and when i get home, after eating and washing up, i study for 2 more hours and go to bed to do it all over again tomorrow. and funnily enough, i actually enjoyed studying. my past selves would be surprised to hear that. but i do. well, did. at one point i did enjoy studying. and it was fun, doing notes, typing them up in class, tidying them after, writing them by hand, doing readings and taking notes of the reading creating a neat paper of thoughts and answers tucked in my bag ready to discuss in class, heck even watching 'study with me' videos to feel motivated, finding a community who feels the same. i was doing so well. what happened?
burnout. that's what happened.
this is what it felt like in my experience. you don't notice it. at all. you're on a roll. you're such a pro at life, managing personal, social, academic life and a part-time job. everything's going great, flourishing, juggling all these different aspects and responsibilities in life. you're doing fantastic. but you don't notice something lurking in the background. something feeding on these little set backs you experience in your life. "i'm fine, it's alright" you push them away, easier to avoid than to deal with right? and it grows. you keep feeding it, it only keeps growing.
and then, slowly. you begin to lose your cool. often late in class, not taking notes in class, zoning out, not handing in assessments on time, late submissions, missing submissions, not going to the library anymore, just wanting to go straight home and not do any studying. but you don't notice it happening. you were managing the same lifestyle for years, you've mastered it! what's so different this time from those years? you're confused but still force yourself to get on with it, telling yourself "it will pass, like it always does, you'll get out this slump."
only this time, you don't. you lose your balance and then suddenly you find yourself bursting into tears before you start your shift, teary eyed, have a break down in front of friends who has never seen you cry and have no idea how to deal with that state of you, on the bus home controlling yourself and once you're outside you let yourself cry, unleashing a dam of hot tears pouring out like a kettle left open, boiling water overflowing on the sides. your throat hurts, you hear your gasps and whimpers. how pathetic.
it eats at these little things you push at the back of your mind. like a hungry caterpillar that never stops eating until it bursts.
eventually i went to counselling and that's when she named what's been eating me these years, what i've been feeding. burnout.