on the floor staring at the ceiling
mentally i'm on the floor staring at the ceiling. thinking. a lot. too busy to think, to decide between two things. fighting my own thoughts. with the hope that one day, i will get up with a decision in mind.
thing is, i've been on the floor staring at the ceiling for half a year now.
but really, there's an obvious option here. i just try to justify the other option.
recently, in this staring-at-the-ceiling journey, i realised.
people.
the good things that people have said or say to me. or simply their presence. the way i feel when i'm in their presence. before, i don't have time or can't even think of these things since i'm being constantly bombarded with my own thoughts, being in a constant debate with myself. but i have a few moments of silence. and that's when these good thoughts come to light.
it's like being in a room with many people—mainly multiple copies of yourself—arguing with you or throwing comments at you, and other people too, critiquing your opinions. multiple voices being directed at you all at once that get louder and louder, that even covering your ears won't be any different. and then it's almost as if these voices are suddenly taken away. you feel grass tickling your knees as you sit on the ground, you slowly move your hands away from your ears, you hear birds chirping and water gently flowing from a river, you slowly open your eyes and take in where you are, you're in a serene place. and then you hear their voice beside you, speaking your name.
this is how these people help me cope. i think. may it be people from the past or present. they visit my thoughts when i have these moments of silence. and every time, i get a surge of gratitude for them.
i have a feeling that i will get up from the floor and speak my decision soon. thanks to these people.