my dad
i was singing and humming lullabies while cleaning the kitchen. hanging tree, noble maiden fair, lavender's blue, i sing, then i hum the same songs.
whole time i was singing and humming, i had a lump on my throat and felt the prickling on my eyes. as one does, ignoring it was easier than dealing with it. i wipe the countertop and sweep the floor.
i recalled a memory when i was a child, which is a rare occurrence for me to remember anything from then. it's easier to cling to harsh memories, thoughts, words, actions that we constantly relive in our heads, than those of which that bring warmth to our hearts.
the memory was that of my dad. i'll give you a one of the, if not only, good memory i remember of him that i have. it's hazy but i do remember seeing him being playful. one time my dad, aunt, and her boyfriend were watching paranormal 1 in the living room, they went outside for a smoke but the movie kept playing. my 7 year old self who just got up from a nap, was clueless, i saw the movie playing and watched out of curiosity. my dad was calling my name from the door which lead outside, then it clicked in my head, he was scaring me. i called for him but he jokingly closes the door, then i started to cry, there he was laughing wholeheartedly. cackling. laughter filled the house as he clutched his stomach.
another memory, i remember walking to his room seeing him sat in the dark with his head hung low, the room was dark as it was already afternoon, he was wearing an apron, maybe he was in the middle of cooking or doing the dishes, pretty sure he was sniffling, i don't remember what i said or if i even spoke. i was wondering why he was so quiet.
the most of my childhood memory of him was that every time he talks to me, he looks like he's always about to cry, like he struggles to speak, and when i look at his eyes, they were always glossy. when he does say something, sometimes mumbling something i don't understand, he nods, gives me a smile, and again his head is hung low. i remember being confused why he was acting that way.
he was an alcoholic. im not sure when it started but my parents were both young when they had me and my brother. you can already imagine two young parents forced to find the ropes into parenting, with all furious and gossiping eyes and mouths watching them at all times telling them off about what they should and should not do. it also doesn't help that they both had a difficult childhood.
being an adult made me understand them better. but at the time, as a child, i also needed my parents.
i just simply wish that both my parents, for once in their life, actually think about their selves. what they want to do with their life. they're still young. and live a life they want. for my dad to actually, actually put in the effort to better himself. i still look at him the same way i see him as a child. confused. i think he still looks at himself like the same 20 something he was before he had us. i really, really wish both my parents live a life they want while they still have the time.