hugs are rare in my family
most of the time they are half, loose, and awkward hugs paired with awkward smiles.
lately, i noticed that i had the urge to hug mama.
partly because i'm proud of her for her achievements recently. but it's probably just me simply missing her. which i rarely experience with her. (as a child often, but as an adult?)
so, when she arrived home awhile ago, i dashed down to the stairs to open the door for her as soon as i heard the door bell, my sister also had the same idea (she always opens the door for mama and when she sees anyone else getting the door before her, she gets really competitive) even dragging my hood for her to open the door first. i let her.
i waited for mama to drop her stuff, short chat about work before opening my arms wide for a hug she looked confused and asked "why? did something happen?" while approaching me we hugged. "nothing"
our hug wasn't half, loose, and awkward. it was closed, arms wrapped around each other's backs while doing the silly rocking side to side. she's one of the people that's so difficult to love (does an easy love ever exist?) yes, our personalities are similar we often clash and yes she left wounds that haven't healed yet. but sometimes, or rarely, i set those aside.
you just have this longing of connection you had so much of as a child, and sometimes you allow yourself to do it.
the thought that she won't be here forever came afterwards.