honest thoughts
i’m all up in my head againnnn… it’s crazy.. i will never escape this won’t i? i just have to keep myself busy. maybe that’s why they say “depression hates a moving target” or something.
it’s what therapists say… because when you’re busy, you don’t have time to think about things… silly things such as wallowing in your own thoughts and being consumed by it. to have a to-do list or routine or goals to keep you focused. and it’s true.. follow these and you’ll be fine… at least as fine as you can get..
the year just started but… well, a new year will not take away years of stress.. it doesn’t work that way.. a new year is just a special date.. but really it’s just like any other date in the year… it’s supposed to motivate people for a new year ahead. new start. get better…. get better at what you do..
the more i keep going day by day, the more i feel like nothing matters… it’s not in a sense that… everything’s useless, more like.. what i’m doing is useless… if i do this, if i achieve this, then what? then it will be the next thing, and the thing after that, the list goes on.
i’m in my degree and for awhile i haven’t felt motivated.. maybe the unfortunate event that happened in second year made me loathe my school, not the subject psychology, it remains interesting to me thankfully… in my head i have beef with the psychology school in my uni.. or my uni in general…
i just tell myself, i’m just here to get a degree …. and i feel like im crawling my way out.. as if i have a knife dug deep on my side, i’m bleeding away, but i have to show up and do work…
every day.. every morning.. every night… it feels like more and more of this is useless… for nothing… this is me being all up in my head… but really.. these are my honest thoughts.. im typing them out…
i always have this feeling that i won’t last long here on earth. i don’t see myself getting old. maybe it’s also why i struggle to think of the future. how can i think of a future that i don’t see myself in?
when my friends say wishful plans like “let’s live together next year” “let’s go to this country” “let’s try this activity next summer” i nod and agree… but deep down… a part of me thinks…
will i be there? will it really happen?
i’m at a point where i have to do something with my life if not... i will stay stuck in this loop