1am ramble post-essay adrenaline
it's currently 1am. i just handed in a shit essay i don't even want to see ever again and just made up my mind to make up for it in the next assignments. the adrenaline from cramming that essay is still in my body. i wish i could go to a pool place and play pool. plug my earphones, blast music, zone out, and just play. even though i'm bad at it i don't care i need to let it out. i wish i could go to a dance studio and just let loose and continue a choreography i started or perfect the dance routine i learned. but there's no place in the city that does that. i want to exert this adrenaline and stress to calm myself down.
i just paced around my room , i settled to sketch on my small sketchbook instead. continued a page of scribbles. i sketched 3 types of sea shells. lions paw, pearl whelk, sea snail shell.
anyways
"so the thing that i keep thinking about is, was it worth it to be happy for a little bit? even though it ended up sad... or would it have been better if the whole thing never happened?"
i head this quote while scrolling through the clock app, which is from bojack horseman. i don't really watch the show, but i've heard some quotes here and there that makes me think.
and this particular quote, i'd like to type about right now.
for me, it is worth it to be happy for a little bit even though it ended up sad. that's one of the many things that makes us human. that makes us feel alive. the emotions we feel in different experiences. in different contexts. in the end, you would still have that memory of being happy even though, eventually, it didn't end with the same feeling. it would be out of your control whatever happens next. it would be in no one's control. sure, it would weigh heavy on you for awhile, but it teaches you so many things, feel these emotions deeply, be present when it happens.
any emotion. be present and be there. don't take your mind elsewhere, be with your body, see what's around you, speak or sing, laugh with people, move around, hug them tight, cry and wail, feel your heart sting, feel your heart race. just feel and be present when it happens.
im romanticising it but... it's beautiful. how can living be so tragic so sad so ugly so light so warm so confusing so maddening so amusing so everything we call good, bad, in between.
we literally are just fleeting beings.
lol this went in different directions but there you go. literally typed whatever goes on in my brain and it probably doesn't make sense for some and for me when i'll read it later on with a clear head but that is OK.... that is OK.